Launching the rainbow baby heartbeat, working with Scott's amazing videograpy skills and vision to share Jennifer's powerful story was a dream come to life for me. I knew her testimony of purpose and hope after the loss of a child was something we NEED to talk about. We NEED to share and process. So many couples suffer the loss of a baby through miscarriage alone. So many only tell a handful of people and honestly don't know where to put the pain and the grief.
Here is the link to watch the video if you missed it
I have written the blog for this piece in my mind 300 times. Each seemed wrong, so I have waited. This week, I had a heartbreaking conversation with a friend. She has been through three miscarriages. She and her husband decided after the last two that they are not going to try again. While they are at peace with that decision, she had not found the same hope that Jennifer had. She was still in the broken phase of grief.
"What is the purpose of mine?"
Her raw, heartbreaking question hung between us as tears poured down my face. She had watched the video, but instead of feeling inspired, it brought to light that she could not find purpose and hope to cling to in her own story.
Lord, Jesus, hold us when we cannot see. Hold us when things aren't clear yet.
I have learned in those moments to be slow to speak; to pray for wisdom because my words will most likely make things worse if I'm speaking without prayer. I prayed out loud with her because I'm weird. Then I listened and she started talking. She started processing her grief. Her story is full of trauma and pain. Slowly, without the interruption of my attempt to comfort or band-aid her sad, she began talking through her loss, things that had happened surrounding it, things that she wondered. We dreamed about those babies. We thought outlandish things for them and their purpose in light of what we believe to be true about Heaven and God's plans for life after our time on Earth. We talked Millennial Kingdom. We laughed as we made up stories of who they would be in their glorified bodies. Slowly, tears turned to hope. Speaking life where there had only been death changes everything.
"You have to tell people these things. Most people don't know to dream about it like this. You have to tell them, Amanda", she passionately exclaimed. So I will. As of now, this blog will actually come to you in three parts. It may be more, depending on how the Lord leads. On Tuesday, be SURE to check your inbox. My friend, Nic who is an incredible bible teacher and writer has agreed to share things you may never have known you could dream about. She will share her story and how she came to passionately study life after death, and what she has come to understand. I hope you pray and prepare your heart to receive what's coming from her! It offers hope even in the most devastating losses.
After our talk, now my friend is dreaming about purpose. She is looking with fresh eyes for the beauty in the broken. She has rejected the idea that her loss isn't redeemable or hopeful. Even without the rainbow baby at the end.
One thing I took away from our conversation was how critical it is to share your loss with someone you can trust. I just needed to be there for her. She needed the intentional space and my undivided attention to be able to untangle the ball of hurt and confusion she had accepted as a heavy weight she would just have to bear. Some of you reading this may not have had a miscarriage, but you immediately think of someone who has. Offer to let her talk about it. Offer to be with her while she digs through her pain in search of beauty.
I don't want to leave out the fathers. Y'all walk this hurt in ways I cannot imagine. Guys, talk your pain out with each other! Find a friend who can handle emotions and ask for some time to work through it! Share it with your wife. Don't let it put a wall between you. Be in the grief together. Bear each other's burdens.
This is why I wanted to capture the heartbeat. It's gold, not black. It's alive and not over. We are eternal beings who will live forever! God didn't allow life to form for no reason. How deeply I long for you to look at the heartbeat with renewed eyes! Please don't force yourself to just forget or not feel it. Pray to have new ideas for how your loss can have meaning. Pray for the other parents who are walking this out. I hope that when you order your copy of this piece of art it makes you FEEL. Bringing the feelings into the light is where they can be healed and made right. Trust Jesus with your baby until you are there with them. Trust that He had a reason for them forming in your womb. Trust that after this life there is SO MUCH MORE! I cannot wait to share the next part of this blog. I love you all so deeply. I haven't stopped praying for Jesus to tend to your broken heart through this art project.
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Custom original paintings are available by request